Tears in Heaven
by Spirit-White
Summary: So, just a little monolog, I thought, Sirius might could have had shortly before he escaped out of Aszkaban.


Life. It's nothing more than just a word. What is life? Are you living? Or are you just letting it pass. There once was a time where I knew what living meant. There were times where I was living. There were times everything was great. All those perfect memories erased by a single one. A single moment which broke me. A single moment where I lost everything I had. One single moment and everything was over. One single moment caused by a coward I once called friend. Friends… another example of those words I don't know anymore. I had friends. The best! The kind of friends you would never forget. The kind of friends for a lifetime. But they are all gone. Gone due to a single second. The people who I spent my time with. The people, which loved me. The people I trusted. The people which were my most valuable treasures. The people I swore to protect but failed. The people that relied on me and that I let fall. I'm alone. So tell me, why should I carry on? Why not just give up?

My past was as black as my name. There were only a few lights. Five to be exact, but one faded over the years. How did it end like this? It felt as if it was yesterday where we were just kids with pure hearts and the wish to defeat the dark in the world. What happened to make us like this? What broke us? It was reality. It came over us the night they died. The night a hole was ripped in our hearts which will never heal. The night that made us realise that we are helpless, that we were naïve thinking we could change the world. The night death stole my brother. And the worst thing is that I couldn't even avenge his death. I wasn't able to make this little rat pay for everything he did to us. And where am I now? I'm in hell, but that's okay. I broke so many people and worse of all I broke another friend of mine. I know he's out there. And the stupid man he is he is probably blaming himself. There are nights I wish I could help him. And then there are nights I just want him to be here with me. And then there are nights I know how selfish my wishes are, because I am the only one who should be suffering. The only one who should blame himself. The only one who should hurt like this. Not the guy who is so kind. Who does everything to make other people smile although he is hurting the most. Not the parents who were so selfless. Who took me in so many years ago. Not the little boy who brought so much happiness and yet will never experience the feeling to be surrounded by his family.

There were many days I saw the light. But every time I turned around, because I don't belong there. I did too many bad things. I have too many regrets. I will never forgive myself that I let my brother slip into the darkness. I will never forgive myself that I couldn't protect them. I will never forgive myself that I brought so much bad over the people I love. And yet I can't take my life. I'm living in the hell I deserve. I shouldn't brake out of it! It's something I brought upon myself and I have to pay now. It's something I have to do for myself. Years ago I swore to myself that I will never forget. Neither the good nor the bad things. I will never forget them. I will never forget how we used to run across Hogwarts. I will never forget how we used to laugh together. I will never forget the way we used to taunt James when he flirted with Lily. I will never forget the way Remus enjoyed sweets. I will never forget the way Lily helped me. I will never forget the potters who took me in. I will never forget how McGonnagall scolded us and gave us biscuits. I will never forget how Dumbledore winked at us and let our pranks pass. How we teased Snape. How we won the Quidditch cup and the party afterwards. I will never forget us! But I won't forget how we fought and how we lost. How we drifted apart. How we didn't trust each other. How I left Regulus behind. His face as I saw him again. I will never forget the lives I took. I won't forget the feeling as I realized he betrayed us. I will never forget their faces. They looked as if they slept. Till today I hope they were dreaming good!

I shouldn't think about it. It was over, but I feel as if it just started. It's a nightmare I will never awake from. But I have a new goal. For the first time in twelve years the thought of breaking out crossed my mind. I saw him. I recognized him. I know it was him! And after all I have debts to pay, just as Peter does. We have to pay those together. Maybe there is still something I can do!


End file.
